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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28259076">Carousel</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fieryphrazes/pseuds/fieryphrazes'>fieryphrazes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>MASH (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, BJ Goes To Maine, Coming Out, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Musicals, Post-Canon, Self-Discovery</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:00:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,879</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28259076</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fieryphrazes/pseuds/fieryphrazes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Struggling to adjust to life back in Mill Valley, BJ starts to question parts of himself that have long been hidden. With some encouragement from Peg, he decides to take a leap towards living a life that will make him happy -- if Hawkeye will stop blaming himself long enough to live it with him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>B. J. Hunnicutt/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, B. J. Hunnicutt/Peg Hunnicutt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>64</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Carousel</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>BJ couldn’t understand it. All he had wanted, all those years, was to come home. To Peg and Erin. To start his life again. Now that he was here, it felt like Korea had been the real part, and this was the dream. Not even a good one – some kind of grotesque farce, making fun of him for thinking this was what he wanted.</p><p>He went to work, he came home, he kissed Peg on the cheek, he picked up Erin and hugged her tight, memorizing what she looked and smelled and sounded like. Like she was going to be snatched away when he woke up.</p><p>He stayed up late, most nights. Peg got used to him staring into space as she said goodnight and headed to bed. He found himself sitting there, just thinking. About how hard it was to put the two halves of himself together. Had it just been two years? It felt like his time in Korea loomed large over his whole life, coloring everything that came before and after. He just wanted to go back to his old self, but it wouldn’t let him.</p><p>One night he gave up on his blank vigil and followed Peg. She sat on her side of the bed, rubbing lotion into her hands, and looked at him. She didn’t say anything, but BJ felt her eyes following him as he got ready for bed. Eventually they lay down and she clicked off the lamp.</p><p>“BJ,” she finally said, “what can I do to make this easier?” BJ sighed.</p><p>“Nothing,” he said. “I’m just getting used to it, that’s all.”</p><p>“I wish you’d talk to someone about it.”</p><p>BJ shook his head in the dark.</p><p>“I don’t want to talk about it.”</p><p>Peg turned and faced the wall. She fell asleep a few minutes later, but BJ lay there for hours. Thinking about how it wouldn’t help, anyway. Because he couldn’t even tell a psychiatrist what was happening in his head.</p><p> </p><p>Dreams about the war were to be expected. Everyone knew that. The trauma, the danger. The kids they operated on. The ones they lost. What BJ hadn’t expected were the constant appearances by Hawkeye. At first, sure. He’d been there for all of it, after all. BJ missed him. Of course he did! You got used to a person after living in each other’s pockets for so long. You got used to having a person who understood you and loved you and caught you when you fell. Called you out when you were wrong.</p><p>It occurred to him that he used to feel that way about Peg. Had he? Or had he just felt like he should?</p><p> </p><p>The only thing that helped him mime sanity was Erin. Falling asleep in his arms on the sofa, or making mud pies in the backyard. Singing little nonsense songs. She was so perfect, it made him ache. And all he could think about was losing her. How it would ruin his sorry excuse for a life.</p><p> </p><p>He knew somehow it all came back to Hawkeye. The things he was feeling and thinking – it was all connected to Hawkeye. BJ just didn’t know what to do about it. Not yet.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>Sunday mornings, Peg got Erin dressed up and they went to church. BJ hadn’t been much for it since he got back. Nothing like a war to make you question whether there’s someone up there at all, allowing it to happen. BJ had been waving off Peg’s unspoken invitations for weeks, until one Sunday he heard Erin’s voice from the other room. It was hard to make out, but the non-reply Peg gave revealed the question. <em>Why doesn’t Daddy come to church with us. </em><span>He thought about his </span><span>own </span><span>parents, who he almost never saw or called </span><span>anymore</span><span>. He thought about the Sundays he’d been forced to wake up earlier than he wanted to, and dragged to a stuffy old church, and </span><span>made </span><span>to sing boring songs about things he didn’t really believe in. He thought about how much it had always made him itch, sitting there while an old man told him not to think about the things he couldn’t stop thinking about. Smoking. Sex. Other things that danced at the edge of his mind, </span><span>just out of sight</span><span>. </span><span>Just far enough for plausible deniability.</span></p><p>
  <span>And he thought about Erin. She liked the songs, </span>
  <span>babbled</span>
  <span> them outside church even. Thought about her sitting with Peg, wondering why Daddy wasn’t there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time Peg and Erin were ready, he was waiting by the door, keys in hand. Peg gave him a look but didn’t say anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a different church than the one he’d gone to as a kid. Of course it was. But it smelled the same, and he </span>
  <span>thought</span>
  <span> the hymnals were the same. Or maybe they all had the same songs, anyway. Who could tell. They sat there, Peg listening intently, Erin trying her best to imitate her mother, and BJ staring into the space above the pulpit. The words didn’t even register. It wasn’t about that for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Back at home, BJ set the table as Peg finished </span>
  <span>preparing</span>
  <span> lunch. </span>
</p><p>“<span>Do you think you’ll make a habit of it?” Peg asked. </span></p><p>“<span>Hm?” BJ said, before his brain caught up to her words. “Oh, I don’t know. </span><span>Well. I think so.” </span></p><p>
  <span>Peg smiled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another Sunday. He was used to the routine, now. It’s not like he would have slept in, anyway. Get up, dress up a little, go to church, sit there with a blissfully blank mind, go home, change into jeans and a faded pink sweatshirt. Maybe he could keep this up, disguising himself as a normal person, walking around and living a normal life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was automatic </span>
  <span>now</span>
  <span>, the standing and the singing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were a few lines in</span>
  <span>to the song</span>
  <span> when BJ realized what he was s</span>
  <span>inging along to</span>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>Don’t let fear keep us apart </em>
</p><p>All of a sudden, he couldn’t breathe. He’d been socked in the gut by something. His lips kept moving, but somehow he wasn’t making any sound.</p><p>
  <em>Long have I waited for your coming home to me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And living deeply our new life</em>
</p><p>
  <span>The rest of the day was a blur. </span>
</p><p>Was this fear? Is that what it had been the whole damn time? Sure, there had been plenty of fear in Korea, they were in a war zone. In the OR, his fear kept him sharp. But here, in Mill Valley, what did he have to be afraid of?</p><p>Just himself.</p><p> </p><p>That night, Erin climbed onto his lap to watch the Colgate Comedy Hour and promptly fell asleep. She was facing him, one cheek smushed against his chest. It reminded him of those first few months, before he’d left, when she couldn’t hold up her own head yet. He’d sit on the sofa, leaning back, and lay her on his chest. Just feel her breathing, the love radiating offof him. Now – now she wasn’t a baby anymore, not really. He’d missed all of it. But at least he still had this. She’d fall asleep in his lap for a few more years. Just as the thought started to comfort him, he felt a flash of panic. Years. Years of this. Of the life that he thought he’d wanted to live forever. Could he do that to himself? For Erin? He wasn’t sure, and that uncertainty made his chest tighten up. He would do anything for Erin. Of course he would. But he hated the idea that this was the only way to keep her.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>The opening strains of an overture drifted into the room. Hawkeye tried to ignore it. He’d rather be alone with his thoughts, but at least it was <em>Carousel.</em> He’d always liked <em>Carousel</em>.</p><p>He almost smiled through “You’re a Queer One Julie Jordan.” But when “If I Loved You” started, he was up like a shot.</p><p>“Dad, for the love of god, turn that off!” he called into the next room. When the music continued, he stomped into the living room, where Daniel sat next to the record player.</p><p>“Can’t you listen to something else?” Hawkeye complained. Daniel looked at him, puzzled.</p><p>“You love <em>Carousel</em>,” he said. Hawkeye shook his head.</p><p>“Oh, no, not anymore I don’t.”</p><p>“Come on, Hawkeye, you couldn’t stop raving after you saw it in Boston. You dragged me to New York to see it. Now you won’t even let me listen to it?”</p><p>Hawkeye rubbed a hand across his forehead.</p><p>“I won’t let you? Please, Dad, as if I would stop you from doing anything you wanted to do. I’m just asking you politely – begging you – to not listen to it if you value my sanity, or whatever’s left of it.”</p><p>Daniel gave Hawkeye a long look, and lifted the needle off the record.</p><p>“Thank you!” Hawkeye said, exasperated and relieved all at once.</p><p>“Mind telling me why you can’t stand Rodgers and Hammerstein all of a sudden?” Daniel asked.</p><p>“Well, it always drove me crazy – they don’t know anything about Maine. They set a whole musical here, and they can’t even get it right. That line about chowder is all wrong and you know it!” he said, pointing at Daniel as he paced and ranted. “And they can’t decide which side of a lobster is the front and which is the back. They don’t know anything about Maine, and they don’t know anything about love!” Hawkeye stopped, breathless.</p><p>Daniel still had that look fixed on him, but he didn’t say anything. Just raised his eyebrows, silently challenging Hawkeye’s rotten, manic mood.</p><p>“Aw, come on, Dad. Listen to, I don’t know,<em> Kiss Me Kate</em> instead. How about <em>Oklahoma</em>? I’ll bring you the record, just tell me what you want to hear.”</p><p>Daniel sighed.</p><p>“I suppose <em>Oklahoma</em> will do well enough.”</p><p> </p><p>Once the needle had dropped, Hawkeye sat next to Daniel and listened along. He only flinched a little bit through “People Will Say We’re In Love.” Daniel decided to let it go, this time.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>“Do you think it would help? Going to see him?”</p><p>BJ absentmindedly looked up from his book. Peg was looking at him expectantly.</p><p>“Who?” he asked.</p><p>“Hawkeye,” she said. “Who else? You’ve just been so down in the dumps, and I know how close you two are. Maybe seeing him would help.”</p><p>BJ tried to disguise his grimace as a smile. He shrank away from the idea. He shrank away from Peg.</p><p>“I don’t think so,” he said noncommittally. Peg let out a beleaguered sigh.</p><p>“BJ, you can’t keep going like this,” she said, concern clear in her voice. “You won’t talk to an analyst, you won’t talk to me. Maybe you could talk to Hawkeye about it.”</p><p>BJ shook his head. He couldn’t. He just couldn’t.</p><p>“BJ –” Peg sounded tired. “BJ, you can’t – <em>we </em><span>can’t keep going like this. I need some kind of sign that you’re still in there, that you’re at least trying.” BJ looked at her, resigned. </span><span>She was right; </span><span>h</span><span>e wasn’t really trying. </span><span>I</span><span>t just hurt to hear her say it. </span></p><p>“<span>Think about it,” Peg said. “Even just to give me a break. It’s a lot, you know, taking care of Erin and the house and you. It’s a lot for one person.” </span></p><p>
  <span>BJ’s chest constricted. He didn’t know why he said it. Why he finally said something. </span>
</p><p>“<span>I think I’m scared that if I go –” BJ swallowed. He couldn’t believe he was saying it. “If I go, I might not come back.” </span></p><p>
  <span>Peg leaned forward, reaching for his hand. </span>
</p><p>“<span>BJ, you aren’t really here now,” she said. She was right. It broke his heart. </span></p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That night, as they lay side by side in bed, a few decent inches between them, BJ finally admitted it to himself. And he admitted it to her. </span>
</p><p>“<span>Peg, I – I think there’s something wrong with me,” he whispered. She reached out, brushing their fingers together. </span></p><p>“<span>We can work it out,” she promised. BJ shook his head, surprised to feel tears in the corner of his eyes. </span></p><p>“<span>I think it’s always been there,” he said. “It’s not just the war. I think it’s been wrong since I was a kid, and I just never let it show.” </span></p><p>
  <span>Peg was silent for a moment. </span>
</p><p>“<span>Is this about Hawkeye?” she asked slowly. BJ shrugged, squeezing her hand. </span></p><p>“<span>I don’t know. Maybe,” he said, </span><span>turn</span><span>ing the question over in his mind. “Yes. Yes, I think it might be.” </span></p><p>“BJ, I want you to be happy,” Peg said. “I want both of us to be happy. I don’t think that’s going to happen if you keep this up.” BJ nodded, trying to hold in a breath that could have too easily become a sob.</p><p>“I think you have to live your life the way that you want to,” she said. “And I think you have to figure out what that means.”</p><p> </p><p>BJ couldn’t stop thinking about it – what Peg had said. He thought about it, and he watched her keep their lives running. She was good at it, balancing all the little things, even with BJ too confused and tired to help. It made sense, he thought. She’d been on her own for a long time, really. He thought about what she’d said, maybe without even realizing it – how she included him in the list of things she had to take care of. Shouldn’t he be taking care of her? The thought just made him tired. Maybe she’d be better off, with one less responsibility. Maybe that’s what she wanted, even if she couldn’t admit it to herself. It cracked him open, to fail her like this. Maybe that was a side effect of the fear that had been following him around. Maybe if he did something about it, he’d at least be able to move on. To come home, if that’s what they both wanted.</p><p>That night, he brought up the idea of Maine. Just for a visit. Just to see what could happen.</p><p>He didn’t know what Hawkeye would think, or what he would say, but he knew he had to find out. Just deciding that, he felt a weight lifted. Almost like he could breathe again.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>It was time to clean out the gutters again. BJ was happy to do it; he whistled through the whole job, something that sounded vaguely like a hymn. In the afternoon, Peg came out with a glass of iced tea and called to BJ on the ladder. He looked down at her, standing with one hand shielding her eyes from the sun. BJ climbed down and took the drink.</p><p>“You’re in a good mood today,” she said, deliberately light. BJ smiled.</p><p>“I guess so,” he said, playing it off with a shrug. He looked back up at the gutters, calculating how much he had left.</p><p>“Does this mean you decided?”</p><p>“Decided what?” BJ asked, only half listening.</p><p>“On going to Maine,” Peg said. BJ turned to look at her.</p><p>“I’m still thinking about it,” he told her. It was true. He was thinking about it. He thought about it all the time. About what Hawkeye would say and do, if he showed up on his doorstep in Crabapple Cove. How he would look at him, if BJ would be able to read anything into his expression. If he would wrap him up in a hug, or if there would be distance between them. If Hawkeye would tell him not to come at all. It was all he thought about.</p><p>“Hmm,” Peg said, and BJ nearly jumped, wondering if she could somehow sense what he was thinking. What he was feeling. “That’s always been one of my favorite hymns, you know,” she said as an afterthought.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Hosea,” she said. “That’s what you were whistling.” She half-sang a line: “<em>Come back to me, with all your heart. Don’t let fear keep us apart</em><span>.” </span></p><p>“<span>Huh,” BJ said. “I couldn’t place it. Just got stuck in my head.” </span></p><p> </p><p>“I think you should surprise him,” Peg said out of the blue over dinner. Erin clapped and repeated <em>surprise</em><span> after her. BJ put down his fork and stared at her. </span></p><p>“<span>Who?” he said, and Peg rolled her eyes. </span></p><p>“Can we please talk about this without backtracking every time? BJ, I know you’re thinking about him. You don’t have to pretend you’re not.” BJ shifted guiltily. He was so used to hiding it, or at least trying to.</p><p>“Surprise him?” BJ asked cautiously, testing the waters.</p><p>“Honey, I know you’re nervous about what he’ll say. This way, it’s sort of a gift. One he can’t turn down.”</p><p>BJ’s instinct was to shake his head and brush her off. But that night, he thought about it. About Hawkeye being left by so many people he loved without any kind of goodbye. About what it might mean to him if someone showed up for once, instead of leaving.</p><p>Maybe Peg was on to something.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>He turned up in the dead of winter. No call, no letter. Just the doorbell ringing, and BJ shivering on the front porch at twilight. Hawkeye stood frozen in shock.</p><p>“Aren’t you going to invite me in?” BJ asked with a smile. Hawkeye opened the door wider and stepped to the side, still unable to speak. BJ came in and gave the hallway an appraising look.</p><p>“So this is Crabapple Cove,” he said. “Thought I’d come see it for myself. You don’t mind, do you?”</p><p>Hawkeye closed the door, turning his back to BJ for a moment. When he turned back around, Hawkeye pulled BJ into a hug. It felt so familiar yet somehow foreign. Like something BJ had dreamed about for months, but never really let himself believe he would have again.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” Hawkeye asked, voice muffled against BJ’s shoulder.</p><p>“I wanted to see you,” BJ responded, not loosening his grip. They stood there, holding on to each other, swaying a bit now and then, grabbing on tighter each time their arms started toloosen up. Even when they finally let go they didn’t really; Hawkeye slid his hands to BJ’s shoulders, and BJ’s ended up on Hawkeye’s waist. They stood there, an arm’s length apart. Just looking at each other. BJ felt a dopey smile plastered on his face, but he didn’t care. Hawkeye was looking back at him just as delighted, and he couldn’t bring himself to temper anything he was feeling. He just leaned into it. And he leaned into Hawkeye, laying a soft kiss on his cheek. He didn’t retreat afterwards – he stayed close, just a breath away from Hawkeye, waiting to see what would happen.</p><p>Hawkeye turned his head toward BJ, pressing his own lips to the corner of BJ’s mouth. They each turned minutely together, hands still braced on each other’s bodies, until their noses bumped softly.</p><p>Hawkeye stared at BJ, who stared back. BJ saw so much fear in his eyes, half-hidden behind the joy – it broke open something inside him. He surged forward, finally kissing Hawkeye hard, the way he’d wanted to for – for longer than he would care to admit. Maybe the whole time. Maybe since the Officer’s Club at Kimpo.</p><p>Hawkeye kissed him back, hands shifting from BJ’s shoulders up into his hair, pulling him closer.</p><p>It must have been minutes that they stood there, exchanging breaths, pressed against each other – finally as close as they wanted to be. BJ’s hands grappled with Hawkeye’s hips, his back, shoulders – he didn’t realize he was propelling them forward until Hawkeye hit the wall, momentum parting them as Hawkeye’s head bumped softly against the wallpaper. They stood there, breathless, Hawkeye flat up against the wall and BJ flat up against Hawkeye.</p><p>“Hi, Beej,” Hawkeye finally said, a smile cracking wide on his face.</p><p>“Hi,” BJ whispered, diving back in for another kiss.</p><p>They stood there in the hallway, drinking each other in, BJ still bundled up for Maine winter. Finally, Hawkeye pushed off the wall and helped BJ out of his coat. Hawkeye grabbed one of his hands and led him to the kitchen.</p><p>“We should, uh, talk about this, right?” he said nervously as BJ sat at the table.</p><p>“I guess we should,” BJ said with a wide smile.</p><p>“So,” Hawkeye said, drawing out the word, hoping BJ would take the lead.</p><p>“So,” BJ replied. He was only toying with him a little bit. He’d always liked to see Hawkeye squirm.</p><p>“So, what the hell’s going on, Beej?” Hawkeye said without any heat.</p><p>“Oh, I just thought I’d stop by, sweep you off your feet.” BJ said casually.</p><p>“Not that I mind – I really, really don’t – but what brought this on?”</p><p>“I’ve been thinking a lot,” BJ said, staring at his hands. “About why I’m so miserable, even though I’ve got everything I thought I wanted.” He looked up at Hawkeye, who had that lost, sad look on his face. Like all he wanted was for BJ to be happy, and somehow BJ was disappointing him by not living up to that.</p><p>“Beej, it’s going to take some time,” Hawkeye started, but BJ interrupted him.</p><p>“It’s already been months,” he said. “I’ve taken time. I don’t want to be that person anymore, that – that guy who lives inside a perfect little bubble, pretending the ugly parts of the world don’t exist.” He was shaking his head with frustration. “There are things inside me that don’t fit in, Hawk. They’ve always been there, but I used to be good at pretending. I don’t want to pretend anymore. I want to be myself. And I want to be myself with you. You’re the only one who ever really let me do that.”</p><p>Hawkeye started to feel sick. He couldn’t do this to BJ. He couldn’t be the thing that made his perfect life fall apart.</p><p>“Beej, you know you’re the best friend I ever had. And yeah, more than that too. I think we just proved that,” Hawkeye said, arching an eyebrow. BJ smiled. “But –”</p><p>“But? I don’t like the sound of that,” BJ interjected.</p><p>“But,” Hawkeye continued, holding up a finger at him, “We can’t just jump into something because we’re unhappy where we are. Right? We need to be sure we’re not just grabbing onto something new, hoping it’ll be better.”</p><p>BJ bit his lip and looked down, thinking.</p><p>“Hawk, if you’re saying you don’t –”</p><p>“Absolutely not,” Hawkeye interrupted. “I do. I do. I love you, Beej. I always have. But you’ve got a real life, with Erin and Peg. It’ll never be the same with me. You know that.”</p><p>BJ nodded. He understood what Hawkeye meant, but he was wrong. He was so wrong.</p><p>“Hawk, the way I see it – the only hope I have of even coming close to being happy again – it’s not back in Mill Valley. I can’t pretend none of it happened. I’m different now, and I don’t want to lock up parts of myself so I can fit right back into the hole I left back home.”</p><p>“Beej, I just don’t want you to ruin your life over someone like me,” Hawkeye said.</p><p>“Someone like you?” BJ was incredulous. “Hawk, you’re the – the only person who’s ever really looked at me and understood what’s going on in there.”</p><p>Hawkeye stayed silent, taking that in.</p><p>“Do you realize what that did to me?” BJ raised his voice. “If I’d never met you – if I’d never met you, I might still be happy back in Mill Valley. My family might be enough. Goddammit, Hawk, you woke me up. I didn’t even know I was asleep.”</p><p>Hawkeye felt himself beginning to shake. He hated to see BJ conflicted like this. He felt the guilt gnawing at his bones, an ache that had already been there for years, but now it had sharper teeth.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Beej. I didn’t know I was doing it.”</p><p>BJ deflated, leaning his weight on the kitchen table.</p><p>“It’s not your fault. I’m not mad at you, not really.” BJ sounded tired as he said it. He exhaled and looked up at the ceiling. “I’m mad at myself. For not knowing.”</p><p>“No one knows until they know, you know,” Hawkeye said kindly. He knew what it was like, to think you were going crazy. That something was happening inside you that would ruin everything. That there was a secret you’d have to keep your whole life, and you’d be lonely because of it. He wouldn’t wish that on anyone, least of all BJ.</p><p> </p><p>Hawkeye had been all of 16. He and his buddy Peter would go fishing together, spending all day on the riverbanks in the summer. Of course they needed some reading material for when things got slow, and Peter could always track down a dirty magazine. They never waited turns – just looked at them side by side. Eventually it seemed more efficient to help each other out. It had been convenient for Peter, for a while. It was convenient for Hawkeye, too, but it wasn’t quite as easy to file away neatly. Peter got married when they were 19 and, as far as Hawkeye knew, never thought about it again. Hawkeye hadn’t been so lucky.</p><p>It would have been easier, he used to think, if settling down could’ve made him happy enough. But the idea of it made him itch; the same woman around all the time, asking things of you, sharing your bed. At least with his revolving door he could scrounge up some human touch and move along. No one to wheedle secrets out of him, to ask him, “Do you even like this, really? What are you hiding from?”</p><p>He already knew what. And no, he didn’t like it. Not really.</p><p> </p><p>Now, looking at BJ, Hawkeye knew it wouldn’t be easier. To have that regular old life, a wife and kid who loved you, but have some part of you shrink back from it. That would be worse than never having it at all. No wonder BJ was scared out of his mind. No wonder part of him hated Hawkeye. Hawkeye hated himself.</p><p>Hawkeye stood up, putting his hand on BJ’s shoulder, and BJ leaned into it. The weight of that lean, of BJ’s solid arm pushing back against Hawkeye’s hand, hit like a punch to the gut. Hawkeye tried to hold on to the breath in his body. He took a measured exhale, coming closer. BJ leaned more, resting his head against Hawkeye’s hip.</p><p>“I’m so tired,” BJ whispered. Hawkeye moved to pull him up.</p><p>“Come on, Beej. Let’s get you to bed.”</p><p> </p><p>Soon enough, BJ was tucked into Hawkeye’s bed, already half asleep. Hawkeye turned off the bedside lamp and headed for the door. A floorboard creaked, and BJ sat up.</p><p>“Where are you going?”</p><p>Hawkeye didn’t turn around, not yet.</p><p>“It’s been a big day for you, Beej. Admitting all that to me, and to yourself. So just get some sleep.”</p><p>“Get back here,” BJ sounded exasperated, like it should have been obvious. Hawkeye turned.</p><p>“Look, you don’t have to prove anything to me,” he said, palms facing BJ in surrender. “You should take some time, figure out what you want to do about it. That – “ Hawkeye took a breath and swallowed – “uh, that kiss will sustain me for a pretty long time, so. No rush.”</p><p>BJ didn’t respond right away, and Hawkeye moved towards the hallway, where a light shined.</p><p>“Don’t leave me alone tonight, Hawk,” BJ said softly. “With all this – I need something to hold on to.”</p><p>Hawkeye sighed. He evaluated his options and decided to go with honesty, as much as it pained him.</p><p>“Beej, I want to be that for you – but it might kill me.” Hawkeye didn’t have to see BJ to know the look on his face. Disappointed and lonely and – this part hurt the most, Hawkeye thought – not really surprised.</p><p>“Hawk, will you just come sit with me for a minute?” he asked.</p><p>Hawkeye crossed the room again and perched at the foot of the bed, illuminated by the wedge of light from the open door. BJ propped himself up on one elbow, considering him from the shadows.</p><p>“I really didn’t know what you would say, when I showed up here,” he finally said. Hawkeye huffed out a laugh.</p><p>“I thought you saw right through me,” Hawkeye said. “I thought you knew I –” he trailed off.</p><p>“Maybe I should have,” BJ said, shaking his head. His voice was warmer than Hawkeye expected. “I think I was trying not to see it. Because that would mean I was part of it. That thing we had.”</p><p>“Beej, of course you were part of it. You were at least half of it,” Hawkeye said, falling back on a stupid joke. Hawkeye could feel BJ rolling his eyes through the darkness.</p><p>“Hawkeye – don’t you want to lay down?”</p><p>Hawkeye looked to the ceiling, forehead wrinkling.</p><p>“Of course I want to, Beej. You have to know that by now,” he explained. “But you’ve got a lot to figure out, and you might not want me here in the morning.”</p><p>BJ reached out, a hand wrapping loosely around one of Hawkeye’s wrists.</p><p>“I just want to be close to you, Hawk. Can you let me have that?”</p><p>Slowly, Hawkeye nodded. BJ scooted toward the wall and pulled back the covers. Hawkeye toed off his slippers and slid in.</p><p>Immediately, BJ wriggled an arm underneath Hawkeye and cinched him close to his chest. Their legs tangled up.</p><p>“Well you did say ‘close,’” Hawkeye said dryly.</p><p>“I meant it,” BJ said.</p><p>Slowly, his breathing got heavier and more even. Hawkeye closed his eyes and felt BJ fall asleep.</p><p> </p><p>When Hawkeye woke up, he was facing the door, BJ’s breath warming the back of his neck. Hawkeye froze as he took it in – BJ’s arm around his waist, the full length of their bodies pressed together. It was everything he’d ever wanted. It terrified him.</p><p>Hawkeye started shifting slowly, moving one hand to BJ’s wrist, prepared to loosen his grip and slip away.</p><p>“Don’t you dare,” came BJ’s voice, still rough with sleep. Hawkeye jerked his head around – BJ’s eyes were closed, but he had that mischievous smile on his face. Hawkeye didn’t stop, and the arm tightened around him. “You’re not going anywhere, Hawk, not until we sort this thing out, once and for all.”</p><p>Hawkeye huffed.</p><p>“At the rate we’ve been going, I’ll never get up,” he moaned, sinking back into the mattress loosely. He felt BJ’s smile against his nape. He nudged his nose into Hawkeye’s hair, wrapping him up tighter all the time.</p><p>“You know, it seems pretty simple from here,” BJ said.</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“Last night I was a little torn up about it.”</p><p>“Oh, I didn’t notice!” Hawkeye’s voice was laced with sarcasm.</p><p>“Now –” Hawkeye felt BJ shrug, as well as he could lying down with an arm wrapped around Hawkeye. “It all makes sense, doesn’t it, Hawk?”</p><p>Hawkeye didn’t know what to say.</p><p>“I’ve been trying to get close to you for a long time,” BJ continued after a moment. “I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. Now that I have, I – I don’t want to let go.”</p><p>Hawkeye’s brain fizzled and his body went haywire. He threw BJ’s arm off and leapt out of bed.</p><p>“Hey, where are you going?” BJ cried after him.</p><p>“It’s too much, Beej,” Hawkeye pleaded as he tied his robe and fled.</p><p> </p><p>A half hour later, BJ came downstairs and found Hawkeye at the kitchen table, staring into his coffee.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Beej.”</p><p>“No, it’s me who should be apologizing. You didn’t want to stay last night, and I made you. And I wouldn’t let you go this morning.” BJ shook his head as he sat down. “I’m no good at this.”</p><p>“I wouldn’t say that,” Hawkeye said with an embarrassed sort of smile. “You were definitely on the right track. It’s just – well – I don’t want you to get involved in something you’ll regret.”</p><p>BJ gave a resigned smile and got up, pouring himself a cup of coffee. He stood at the counter for a moment, looking out the window.</p><p>“I don’t think I could ever regret you,” he said, not looking at Hawkeye, who felt like his ribs were expanding in his chest. He blinked rapidly, trying to make sense of what he was feeling, beyond the obvious. Overwhelming affection. Desperation. Love.</p><p>“I wish you’d stop blaming yourself,” BJ continued. “It’s not your fault that I’m – different.” He was avoiding giving it a name.</p><p>“BJ, you said it yourself – this never would’ve happened if you hadn’t met me.” BJ shook his head.</p><p>“I shouldn’t have said that,” he said. “It’s only half the story. Maybe I wouldn’t have done anything about it, without you. But it’s been there since I was a kid. Deep down.”</p><p>“Beej, have you talked to anyone about this?” Hawkeye asked quietly, afraid of the answer. Afraid this was just the first step, and BJ could change his mind and go back to his regular life at the drop of a hat.</p><p>“Just Peg, a little bit,” BJ said. Hawkeye’s eyes went wide.</p><p>“What did she say?” he asked, and BJ smiled and gestured around the kitchen.</p><p>“She told me I should surprise you.”</p><p>Hawkeye was floored. He didn’t know what to say. He looked away from BJ, clutching his coffee cup.</p><p>“She doesn’t mind – any of it?” Hawkeye asked cautiously. BJ shrugged.</p><p>“I think part of her is relieved,” he said. “She learned to get by on her own, you know. That drove me crazy while we were gone. But she doesn’t need me anymore, not really.”</p><p>Hawkeye nodded.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I know how much it means for you to be needed.”</p><p>BJ looked at Hawkeye like he was being an idiot on purpose.</p><p>“Hawk, have you been listening to me at all?” he said incredulously. “It’s a relief! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I’m relieved she doesn’t need me, because I don’t want to be stuck there. I want to be with you.”</p><p>“But Erin –”</p><p>“We’ll figure it out,” BJ said, cutting him off. “Peg’s not going to keep me from seeing Erin. Lots of parents split up, and it works out okay. Peg’s happy for me, in a way.”</p><p>Hawkeye looked down and focused on his coffee cup, watching the surface slow down until it wasn’t swirling at all anymore.</p><p>“Well, you can’t stay here,” he said finally. BJ looked affronted, so Hawkeye rushed to elaborate. “You need to be close to Erin, to see her. I meant it, Beej, I can’t be the reason you don’t see her. So we can’t stay here.”</p><p>A smile started small and spread across BJ’s face.</p><p>“We?” he said, his voice loaded with meaning. Hawkeye hopped up and gave a dramatic little bow.</p><p>“I’m at your disposal, as long as you don’t dispose of me,” he said, putting on a haughty accent. BJ scrambled up from his seat and wrapped Hawkeye up in his arms, pressing fierce kisses to his cheek.</p><p> </p><p>That’s where they were when Daniel walked in wearing his bathrobe. BJ jumped back from Hawkeye, but Hawkeye didn’t seem concerned.</p><p>“Dad, you missed him last night, but may I present the legendary BJ Hunnicutt?”</p><p>BJ smiled shyly, reaching out a hand to Daniel.</p><p>“It’s nice to finally meet you,” he said. It had been a long time since he’d had to do the whole ‘meet the parents’ thing. It had not become less daunting since then.</p><p>Daniel gave BJ an appraising look and shook his hand.</p><p>“BJ, I’ve been expecting you.” Hawkeye stared at his dad.</p><p>“You have?” he asked. Daniel smiled.</p><p>“I had a feeling he might show up eventually. I hoped, at least.”</p><p>Hawkeye rolled his eyes, but he smiled at BJ and his face turned the slightest bit pink.</p><p>“Well, I finally got my act together,” BJ said, smiling back at Hawkeye. Daniel cleared his throat.</p><p>“I’m looking forward to getting to know you, BJ. The real you,” he said. “I know better than to believe all those things Hawkeye wrote.” BJ laughed.</p><p>“Sure, he gets the benefit of the doubt,” Hawkeye said, the words dripping with sarcasm. “What about all those letters from my school principal, you believed all of those!”</p><p>Daniel rolled his eyes affectionately.</p><p>“Hawkeye, you hellion,” he said, ruffling Hawkeye’s hair before going to pour himself a cup of coffee.</p><p> </p><p>That afternoon, BJ steeled himself to call Peg. She sounded breathless when she picked up the phone, like she was in the middle of laughing.</p><p>“Oh, hi honey!” she said. “How did it go?” BJ looked through the doorway to where Hawkeye was lounging on the sofa. He smiled.</p><p>“Good, it’s good,” he said.</p><p>“BJ, I’m so glad. You deserve to be happy,” she said. BJ felt fierce affection well up in his chest.</p><p>“So do you,” he said, meaning it down to his core.</p><p>“Well, I do have something to tell you – but we can talk about it when you’re back,” she said. “Have you two made any plans?” BJ nodded, even though he knew she couldn’t see it. It felt good to have a physical expression of it.</p><p>“He’s coming to California,” he said, a little proud of the fact. Proud that Hawkeye would do that. For him.</p><p>“BJ, I’m so happy for you. I think this is a whole new beginning, for us both,” Peg said earnestly. “And I’m glad you’ll be here. Erin needs her dad,” she added softly.</p><p>“I need her,” BJ said simply. It was true. And now he didn’t have to choose.</p><p>“Let me know when you’re coming, I’ll pick you up. BJ – “ Peg paused. “I love you. And I’m so happy for you.” BJ felt tears surfacing.</p><p>“I love you too, Peg. Thank you. For everything.”</p><p>When he hung up, Hawkeye was leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed, a gentle smile on his face. BJ wiped his eyes and went to him, wrapping him up in a hug. The tears made a comeback.</p><p>“Hawk,” BJ said, face against his neck, “thank you.” Hawkeye barked out a laugh.</p><p>“I should be thanking you,” he said. “For showing up and changing my life. Twice.” BJ smiled – Hawkeye could feel it against his skin.</p><p>“Promise me you won’t make it three,” Hawkeye said casually, a nugget of truth at the center of the joke. BJ shifted back, holding onto Hawkeye by the shoulders, looking him in the eye.</p><p>“Hawk, the only way you could get rid of me now is by reenlisting.” Hawkeye let out a peal of laughter.</p><p>“That’s never happening,” he said. BJ smiled.</p><p>“Exactly.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>They finally had their own apartment. It was a relief – Hawkeye liked Peg, of course he did. How could he not? She sent BJ to him. And Erin was a great kid. Hawkeye was still a little uneasy around her, but that would change. Erin had sure warmed up to him. It had been a good way to get to know them, staying in Mill Valley. But he and BJ needed their own place. They couldn’t keep bunking together in the spare room while Peg slept alone in the marriage bed. So they found a place in the city, close enough to be there any time Erin needed them.</p><p>BJ had gone out for groceries while Hawkeye finished unpacking odds and ends. He was sorting through records, stopping every now and then to listen to something that caught his fancy. He put Jo Stafford on the turntable and kept working. A few minutes later, he recognized the opening bars of “If I Loved You.”</p><p>Hawkeye took a deep breath and settled into their one armchair. There was still so much to do – buy furniture, put things away. But he sat and listened, for the first time in years.</p><p>He didn’t heard BJ come in. He stood in the doorway, a grocery bag in his arms, and watched Hawkeye, lost in thought. He didn’t recognize the song.</p><p>
  <em>If I loved you, words wouldn’t come in an easy way</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Round in circles I’d go </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Longing to tell you, but afraid and shy</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’d let my golden chances pass me by </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Hawkeye looked up as BJ set the groceries on the floor. He came closer and reached out a hand, pulling Hawkeye out of the chair. </span>
</p><p>“<span>Dance with me,” he said softly. Hawkeye huffed out a laugh. </span></p><p>“<span>Who’s leading?”</span></p><p>“<span>Doesn’t matter to me,” BJ said. </span></p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was messy. They ended up t</span>
  <span>aking turns leading</span>
  <span>, until toes got stepped on and BJ got frustrated.</span>
</p><p>“<span>Can you just let me lead for 2 minutes?” he growled. </span></p><p>“<span>You are leading,” Hawkeye said in a </span><span>breezy voice</span><span>, which only drove BJ crazier. </span></p><p>“<span>Hawk, </span><span>I think I would know if I were, and I’m not,” he said testily. </span></p><p>“<span>Beej, no offense, but you have a history of not noticing things like that,” Hawkeye said lightly. BJ turned bright red. </span></p><p>“<span>How long are you going to hold that against me?” </span></p><p>“<span>Oh, I think the rest of our lives should do it,” Hawkeye said, still leading. </span></p><p>
  <span>In that moment, </span>
  <span>BJ </span>
  <span>realized</span>
  <span> he </span>
  <span>didn’t mind </span>
  <span>following</span>
  <span>. Not really. </span>
  <span>Not with Hawkeye. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So... why Carousel?<br/>I was listening to the show and got major hunnihawk vibes from "If I Loved You" ... then I remembered it's set in Maine. Duh. Also they really do go around in circles in this one.<br/>Daniel would have been listening to the original cast recording: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzIfgHWyukA<br/>At the end, they dance to the Jo Stafford version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sFbdYPrLVw<br/>The inaccuracies Hawkeye mentions are all in the show - detailed on the musical's Wikipedia page.<br/>A disclaimer: I reference the overture, but technically, the show does not have an overture, because there's stage action taking place during the opening instrumental. Nitpicky, but I wanted to mention it. And yes, the timing does work out so that Hawkeye could have seen the out-of-town tryouts in Boston or New Haven, CT in 1945. </p><p>&amp; sorry to get all Lapsed Catholic on main -- the hymn is called "Hosea (Come Back To Me)" -- my favorite as a kid. BJ is way to WASP-y to be Catholic, and I'm not sure if other denominations would use this hymn, but it worked for my purposes. Write what you know, right? Also, I cannot find any definitive information on when it was written, but it was in the very old-fashioned hymnals at my church growing up, so I'm confident it dates back to at least the 60s, and that's close enough.<br/>It's hard to find a recording I really like, so let's go with traditional: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJ20I-UhTec </p><p>I've dumped a lot of BJ Goes To Maine fic in a very short amount of time - kind of feeling like this might be the last one for a while. But I'm sure I will return with more MASH stories, because I cannot get these two out of my head.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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